Every night when I come in the door, I announce my presence. But now, there's no response.
It's been 13 weeks since I lost my best friend and wife of 32 years. I say my best friend because we did everything together, even watching the Royals, Chiefs and KU basketball games. She started watching when she saw how much I enjoyed the games and eventually became a fan with me.
I'm still trying to cope with my loss but it's not getting better as everyone has told me that it would be. Besides, not hearing her voice or seeing her, adds to my depression which I try to cover up, but do a lousy job.
Many of my customers that come by my desk to say hello always ask how she is doing and when I tell them that she passed away I can see the sadness in their eyes and most are at a loss for words on how to express their feelings. I try putting them at ease telling them how much I appreciate their thoughts but my mind goes into immediate reminders of what she meant to me, our children and great family and I can feel the lump in my throat trying to stifle the upcoming sadness.
Going home or going to the grocery brings on more of the same questions. What can I buy that doesn't require cooking, so I end up getting a microwave meal or some kind of deli. Time, time is the answer but I really doubt if I'll be whole again.
I can't sleep more than three hours before I leave the bed for the recliner and try to finish sleeping for the night. She's not there when I reach out.
This week I'll be with the family for Thanksgiving and I know it will be hard on us all. I hope I can keep it together, I want this to be a great family get together just as she would want it to be.
I know this is sort of repetitive but trying to put into words my true feelings is not that easy for me, so please excuse my attempt of remembering the love of my life. Please have a Happy Thanksgiving and stay well.
I feel like saying, "How the Hell do you think I'm feeling?" But, I don't, I know that the person asking the question is genuinely interested in my well being,
I'm actually feeling pretty shitty, I miss my honey more than anyone can imagine.
Everyone keeps telling me, it's normal to feel that way but it will get better. It's also OK to cry, there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. I know all that, I'm old, not stupid.
There are a couple of things that help, ie; watching sporting events where I get totally engrossed in the game. I still watch all of the Royals games and now the Chiefs and soon, KU basketball. The other thing that helps a lot is working. Going to work everyday and being around all the sales people including management that treat me like royalty. They can't do enough for me. What a great bunch of people.
The toughest as you can imagine is going home to an empty apartment. My support group of friends and family have been wonderful. I only wish I could find a pill that would allow me to sleep a full night.
I apologize if this sounds like too much "whoa is me" or looking for sympathy but its how I feel and I guess by getting it off my chest I will feel better, if I do, I'll let you know.
One way to make feel better is to come into Hendrick Toyota and buy a car from ME.
To many of my friends, I wish you all a Happy New Year.
How do I say goodbye to the most important person in my life?
Norma and I were married for the best 32 years of my life.
Besides being my wife she was my very best friend. We shared everything together, especially laughter on a daily basis, because it was my pleasure to see her smile every single day, and I accomplished that feat. Our love was unbelievable.
When I tell people how we never went to sleep without expressing our love for each other always ending in "I love you more." Followed with a kiss.
Even when we were apart we made sure we spoke and conveyed our love.
She was the bravest person I've ever known. When she was diagnosed with AML Leukemia seven months ago, she never complained "why me". She knew at the outset, what her life expectancy was and lived her life with no crying and thank goodness, no pain.
My best friend and the biggest part of my life is gone.
I ask myself, how will I live without her, without her lying next to me, feeling her warmth against my body.
I remember all the great times we had together, all the fun things we did with our many wonderful friends, the cruises, fishing in Canada, trips to Las Vegas and the Ozarks, the time we spent on the Hawaiian cruise that had no casino, our Wednesday night dinner group and our football buddies. Those memories will stay with me forever.
Whenever we attended a wedding I would always wish the bride and groom that they would have the marriage that we have.
All of our good times I hope will overshadow the constant tears flowing from my body.
At one time or another we all lose a loved one and eventually, in time, it gets easier.
I'm sure it will for me too but dammit, it's hard to say goodbye.
Be at peace my love and thank you for the greatest 32 years of my life, our extended family and going from Shapiro to Shapiro.
For the last seven months or so I've been taking my wife Norma to St. Lukes South hospital for her Chemo and transfusions.
This blog is a heartfelt thank you to the staff that took care of my wife. I especially want to thank her Oncologist Dr. Gaur and his great nurse Kim. They always gave Norma the feeling that she was someone special and not just another patient. They were always upfront and honest from the very first day. Alyssa in the front office always made sure I received the information requested and followed up.
Two very special nurses also deserve my eternal gratitude for the love and care they showed to Norma, including a personal hug, Michelle and Marilyn in the oncology department on the fifth floor. They could not do more than they did to make her comfortable and at ease during her visits.
Downstairs in the Short Stay department where she received her blood transfusions, a big "Thank You" goes out to Laine and her associates for their great care.
The nurses in the ICU department, especially Jason, were unbelievably caring and professional. I can't remember everyone's name because I'm old but St. Lukes South should be proud of the way their staff represents the hospital.
Norma is now at KC Hospice another great place.
I will try to keep you updated on her condition but she's comfortable and experiencing no pain.
Another bionic added to my body. By tonight, barring complications, I'll have a new left shoulder.
Originally scheduled for 8am, canceled, then rescheduled to 4pm. looking forward to having pain removed after a year of procrastination. Not that I plan on pitching or playing golf, both of which I don't do, but being able to go through a day without constant shoulder pain.
The hardest thing is going without food since midnight and no water since 4am, being diabetic doesn't help. I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, which I am, but waiting all day is not fun. The only good part is that I get to spend a good part of the day with my wife.
What a woman, she's going through this tough part of her life with an unbelievable attitude, one that will pull her through this shitty leukemia.
As I've mentioned before, her support group of friends and family are outstanding. Without asking, they volunteer, she considers herself so lucky to have them around. Because of all their help, I'm able to still go to work 40 plus hours every week.
Please keep me in mind if you are in the market for a new or used car. Excuse the commercial break.
My second book , now titled THE NEBISH, which may change, should be finished in just a few months. It's not a memoir like my first, MAKING HAPPY, but a fun detective story and definitely fiction.
We just celebrated our 32nd anniversary and our love is as strong as day one and if possible, better by the day.
I will now return to my recliner trying not to think of food, which is impossible because of the constant food commercials on TV. Until the next blog, stay well.
It's hard for me to put into words my thoughts about my family and my wife's friends. The family members all try to pitch in as much as they can and do a wonderful job.
This blog is really about her girl friends or should I say lady friends. I believe girl friends is more appropriate because they volunteer to help regardless of the time they have to spend. They call and ask,"What can I do today or can I have a day next week."
For years, my wife has been one of those offering her time with friends in need and now she is the one requiring some help. They take her to lunch or shopping when she has the strength. They will take her for her twice weekly blood draws or five weekly chemo injections, that often turn into hours instead of minutes. But most important is their time they spend with her without feeling that they are someone special and just being a good friend.
All of these women cannot be thanked enough by myself or Norma. They bring in food so she'll have something to eat even though her taste buds have changed and she eats not nearly enough, but she tries.
Her doctor's nurse is also one of a kind. She communicates when necessary and also when not expected. "How is she doing today?" she will ask. If her Hemoglobin count is low she will arrange a transfusion to help keep her strength up.
I can't really put into words the feeling I have for those friends that give of their time to be with her so I can go to work. If not for her support group I don't know what we would do. She has absolutely turned down having a helper come into our apartment or going to an assisted living facility. Her attitude is great and she is positive that she will beat this terrible disease and we know she will.
Without hurting any one's feelings I have to mention one person who has gone above and beyond. She spends more time with Norma than she does with her own family. She can be counted on with just a moments notice. She is more than a friend, she is truly family and I don't know what we would do without her. Carol W., we love you.
Her oncologist believes we are heading in the right direction so the news is getting better. Most of all, she is asking for something to eat which is a good sign.
Thanks to all of you that care.
